


Enough

by Donovanspen



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depressed Magnus Bane, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Post-Episode: s03e16 Stay With Me, Worried Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-04
Updated: 2019-04-04
Packaged: 2020-01-04 13:45:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18344873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donovanspen/pseuds/Donovanspen
Summary: After losing his magic again, Magnus wonders if anything will be enough to help fill the void.





	Enough

Magnus stepped out of the in-suite bathroom and into the empty bedroom. He had hoped a relaxing bath would help settle the restlessness that was making his skin crawl, but luck was proving to not be on his side. He’d had an argument with Alexander, insisting he couldn’t spend another night in the Institute and that he was fine, especially now that he no longer had Lorenzo’s magic. Of course, Alec protested, and while Magnus could logically understand his desire to keep him safe, he needed to be away from a place where he felt so vulnerable.

Their earlier words weighed heavily upon him. He physically felt Alec’s desperation when he admitted that he was nothing without his magic. And of course, Alec would never say it, but Magnus could tell that his boyfriend felt as if he wasn’t enough. But Magnus didn’t know how to assure him otherwise.

He changed into a pair of comfortable lounge pants and a soft shirt. The hotel was luxurious, and the surroundings were somewhat of a comfort, a private place where he could try to rebuild his walls.  He picked up the room service menu and immediately considered getting an appetizer to share. It was a few seconds before he realized that he wasn’t just waiting for Alec to come home. He quickly made his selection and placed his order.

The next hour was almost unbearable. His dinner looked appealing, but everything tasted as bland as he felt. He thought about putting on make-up and fixing his hair, but what was the point? It was late and he wasn’t going anywhere. Besides, this was his new reality. He fixed himself a drink but after several sips, that calming sensation never came. He finally gave up and decided to turn in for the night.

Predictably, sleep didn’t come. In fact, lying in the dark was worse than the aimless wandering he had done earlier. His mind wouldn’t calm down. He couldn’t stop seeing Lorenzo’s face, hearing the despair in Alec’s voice, feeling the stares of the Shadowhunters as he left the Institute. Most of all, though, he couldn’t stop feeling that aching emptiness.

He recalled Alec’s words and tried to see himself the same way, but he couldn’t. He wanted to believe him. He wanted to be everything Alec claimed he was, but he wasn’t. He was nothing more than Magnus Bane, former High Warlock of Brooklyn, former Warlock.

He tossed and turned for another hour before finally reaching for his phone. His pressed the contact and wasn’t surprised when it picked up before even ringing through.

“You ok?”

Magnus’s heart clenched upon hearing Alec’s voice. He knew that hoarseness came from tears and not being woken from sleep.  “Can’t sleep,” he replied.

 “Do you,” Alec cleared his throat. “Do you want to talk?”

“Not really.” They were both silent for a moment as Magnus gathered up the nerve to say what he wanted. “I know it’s late, but I would like it if you were here.”

“Ok.”

Just that simple, Magnus thought. He still felt guilty, but he appreciated Alec’s willingness to be there for him. “Bring a couple of outfits, ok?”

“Yeah. I’ll be there.”

He must have used a speed rune because Alec arrived much sooner than Magnus had anticipated. He opened the door and felt the weight of everything come crashing down on him again. Alec gave him a smile, but Magnus could see that his eyes were still red. He walked inside but hesitated before reaching out. Magnus pretended not to notice.

This shouldn’t be so hard.

“This is nice,” Alec commented, looking around the spacious living room.

“It’ll do for now,” Magnus replied. “Please, put your bag down. Make yourself at home.” It had been a long time since he and Alec had to be so careful around each other, and he didn’t like it. He just needed something in his life to be easy.  “Did you eat?”

“Nah.” Alec had placed his bag in the corner and was now standing with his hands clasped behind his back.

“I can order room service,” he insisted.

“Thanks, but I’m fine.”

Magnus nodded. He didn’t know what came next, how to bridge this horrible gap between them, how to make even the tiniest of his aches go away. An uncomfortable silence settled over them.

“Magnus. I don’t know what to do here,” Alec whispered. “I don’t know how to make this better for you.”

“I’m glad you came.”

“Of course.” Alec took a step closer but then stopped, keeping some space between them. “Whatever you need.”

“I think I would like to go to bed and be held.”

Alec nodded and followed him to the bedroom.

They slipped into bed, fitting together like they always did, Magnus with his head on Alec’s chest and Alec’s arm wrapped around him.  He felt a little better. Being in Alec’s arms always did make him feel good, but would it be enough? Was it fair to Alec to ask for his support when he knew he couldn’t promise him tomorrow?

“Alexander, please be honest with me.”

“Ok.”

“How do you really feel about my magic being gone? Are you happy that I’m no longer immortal? Will you grow bored with me? And before you answer, how can you be so sure?”

Alec’s arm tightened around him. “I was happy. I thought we would grow old together, and I honestly didn’t see past that. I realize I was being selfish, and I’m so sorry I let you down. I should have known how much this was hurting you. And no, I will never grow bored of you. I’m sorry that I haven’t done a better job of showing you how much you mean to me. You are everything to me, and I don’t know how I would live without you. I know how I feel shouldn’t matter right now, but I’m glad that I still have a chance.”

Magnus could hear the tears he was trying to hold in. He looked up, but Alec turned his head away. “Don’t,” he told him. “Don’t hide from me, especially not now.”

“You shouldn’t be worried about me. This isn’t about me.”

“Actually, it is,” Magnus said, placing his hand on his cheek. “It’s hard for me to feel so exposed and raw, and while I don’t like seeing you hurting, it would be harder for me to let you see me like this if you were uncomfortable doing the same.”

Alec finally met his gaze, tears clinging to his lashes. Magnus wondered if he would feel better if he could cry. He hadn’t shed a tear since losing his magic. Maybe if he could find some way to get some of this out of him, he would feel a little better.  Maybe Alec was onto something.

“I kind of feel like I’ve cried enough for today.”

“Does it help to talk about it?” Magnus asked, maybe for himself as much as for Alec.

Alec shrugged. “It helped convince Lorenzo to help you, and I’m so relieved you’re here, but I didn’t like breaking down in front of him. So, I guess in that respect, it helped.”

“I don’t think I can,” Magnus admitted. “It’s stuck inside me, and I can’t speak it or cry it out.”

Alec studied him for a moment. “I think that’s all right. You’re the one who helped me not be ashamed of who I am. I fell apart today, and I don’t care who saw me. I love you so much, and I know I wouldn’t survive without you. You can be however you need to be around me. Bad hair days, no make up days, stay in bed days, crying days. I don’t care. I’m here for all of it, just like you would be for me. You’re a part of me, and I want you to feel the same.”

“I do,” Magnus assured him, “but right now….”

“And that’s ok,” Alec said, pressing a kiss against his forehead. “You feel how you feel. I just hope that maybe you can let me in whenever you’re ready.”

“I don’t know how long,” he said. “I may never be the same.”

“I don’t need the same. I just need you.”

It wasn’t an overwhelming surge of relief, but Magnus realized that he felt a little calmer than he had earlier. And maybe that would be enough.

 

 


End file.
